Entries tagged as ‘deep thoughts’
I ended up paying a $5 cover charge at the bar last night. One of my friends offered to pay but I felt guilty letting her shell out for me, like I was taking advantage of her kindness or something. So I paid the cover and let her get me a drink instead.
At first I was going to justify the spending by saying it came out of my grocery money (which was under budget last week). But I’m not going to make excuses.
The crazy thing is I felt horribly guilty about spending it, like I somehow let everyone down, including me. Over five stinkin’ bucks. Less than what I would normally spend on a Sunday morning in Starbucks. Even though I knew going into this that there would be times when I would end up spending I still I felt bad.
And therein lies one of my biggest shortcomings — thinking everything has to be all or nothing. If not A, then B. No middle ground. Yes or no. Black or white…. I kind of suck a moderation. It’s a habit that I’ve tried to break time and time again and, clearly, I still need to work on it. I had nine straight days of perfect no spending behavior under my belt before one tiny slip-up. Nine wins and one loss. That’s still a winning season.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: deep thoughts, Lent, social situations
Did you know Lent is less than a month away? It starts on February 17th, which seems unbelievably early to me. Last year I decided to go big for Lent and ended up exercising for 46 days in a row. No small feat for a lazy girl like me. I’m not especially religious but pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone in order to gain appreciation for what you have is an idea I can get behind.
I started thinking about what I should do just after Christmas; I wanted it to be something feasible but difficult. (Bonus points if the idea of doing it immediately made me queasy.) So I thought about it and thought about it some more and on the morning of New Year’s Eve it came to me.
This year for Lent I’m giving up spending. No eating out. No shopping. Outside of regular budgeted expenses and bills (mortgage, utilities, student loans, etc.) I’m not going to spend a dime. No trips to the mall to buy clothes “just because” or Sunday afternoon book-buying extravaganzas on Amazon. It also means no going out whenever the hell I feel like it or buying whatever I want when I want. For 46 days straight.
How do I feel about doing this? It varies between extreme excitement and crippling fear, depending on when you ask. I’m excited to see how much money I save and what kind of creative (and free) ways I can find to keep myself entertained. But I’m worried about how I’m going to make ends meet working within a strict grocery budget and dealing with the obstacles (birthdays, regular dinners out with friends, boredom, etc.) that lay ahead.
This will be really difficult for me, harder than working over every day because this is something that will impact me 24/7 for a month and a half. But I’m hopping that by the time Easter rolls around I’ll have a greater appreciation for the luxuries I can afford in life, and greater respect for the hundreds of thousands of people who have to watch every single nickel and dime year-round.
I’m working out the last details of my plan (what I’m allowed to spend money on and some rules to live by) and will post those soon. This isn’t going to be easy — far from it — but deep down I know it’s worth the effort.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: deep thoughts, goals, Lent, shopping
In lieu of posting today I’m going to point you all to Lorrie’s post about her struggle with eating in private. Lorrie is my friend and I’m probably biased but honestly, this post is one of the most moving things I’ve ever read in a blog. The first time I read it I saw so much of myself in Lorrie’s words that it actually made me sick to my stomach. The second time I read it I cried — because I was afraid and ashamed and part of me was glad that I wasn’t the only person struggling with the fear and the shame and scariness of it all.
My bad habits are skeletons in my closet. They are shameful little secrets that no one knows about. How I used to go from one fast food place to another so that I could amass food without them knowing I was ordering all of that food just for me. How I’ve thrown food out of the car window. How I’ve eaten a pint of ice cream in the car without a spoon. Or the little weird habits that I pick up while eating in private. If a car passes, I pretend not to be eating.
I’ve blogged here for nearly three years and shared lots of ups and downs. It’s so easy to write about successes and so difficult to write about my struggles and failures. I wish I had the courage to do it more often, and I’m so proud of Lorrie for having the guts to write about something that’s so hard to share.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: bad days, blog stuff, confession, deep thoughts, eating habits, food, food addiction, support
December 28, 2009 · 1 Comment
Every year I answer a little questionnaire about the year and for the past several years I’ve posted it here for New Year, which is way more fun than getting all depressed and down on myself about what resolutions I should make.
Since the questionnaire takes a little bit of time to complete (you can’t force self-reflection People!) I’m going to post the questions now so you can mull it over between now and Friday.
- Was 2009 good for you?
- What was your favorite moment of the year?
- What was your worst moment of the year?
- Where were you when 2009 began?
- Who were you with?
- Where were you when 2009 ended?
- Did you keep your new years resolution of 2009?
- Do you have a new years resolution for 2010?
- Did you fall in love in 2009?
- Did you make any new friends in 2009?
- What was your favorite month of 2009?
- Why this month?
- Did you travel outside of the US in 2009?
- How many different places did you travel to in 2009?
- Did you miss anybody in the past year?
- What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2009?
- What was your favorite song from 2009?
- How many concerts or plays did you see in 2009?
- Did you have a favorite concert in 2009?
- What was your favorite book in 2009?
- Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
- What was the biggest lie you told in 2009?
- Did you treat somebody badly in 2009?
- Did somebody treat you badly in 2009?
- What was your proudest moment of 2009?
- What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009?
- If you could go back to any moment of 2009 and change something, what would it be?
- Where did you work in 2009?
- Favorite TV shows(s) of 2009?
- Favorite Band(s) of 2009?
- Favorite Food in 2009?
- Favorite Drink in 2009?
- Favorite Place in 2009?
- Favorite person(s) to be with in 2009?
- Favorite person(s) to talk to in 2009?
- Favorite trip in 2009?
- Favorite stores in 2009?
- Hardest thing you had to go through in 2009?
- Most exciting moment(s) in 2009?
- Funniest moment(s) in 2009?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: deep thoughts, questions
Yesterday I had brunch with a friend and afterwards we came back to the loft to hang out. She hadn’t seen it yet (it got a big thumbs up!) and when she settled into the couch for a chat she said, “I’m excited. Seeing you here with your stuff… It feels like you really live here now.”
And she’s right.
I’ve been back in Cincinnati since the end of May but it feels like I just got here. June, July, August, September and October? They were all a mess of stress — new job, squatting on my friends, staying connected to my family, finding and buying the house, the gallbladder crapping out — all while my eating and exercise habits were spinning out of control. It was chaos and I hated it.
But it’s all different now. Better. Sunnier. I have my own space, a basic routine, and for the first time in a long while I feel like a genuine version of myself. I feel centered. I know it sounds like weird touchy-feely zen crap but it’s true. I’m excited about eating real, healthy food again and I’m excited to wake up in the morning to work out. And it took all of that drama and stress and bullshit to get me re-engergized and taking action to get what I want. Do I wish it hadn’t taken a five-month hiccup to get me fired up again? Of course I do, but it is what it is (or was) and at least now I can say it wasn’t all a huge waste.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: deep thoughts, eating habits, exercise, food, illness, motivation, no shame, stress
