Tag Archives: deep thoughts

What Do You Want For Yourself

Posted on July 1, 2010 by fatbridesmaid| 9 Comments

I love lists.  I’ve never been able to make a vision board without feeling like a total tool, but by God I can make a list.  And earlier this week I started a new one.  I’m making a list of what I want for myself.  Life, love, mental, physical, emotional, spiritual — my list is looooong but I’ve got my bases covered.

For the record, being that self-absorbed is exhausting.

As you can probably imagine, the list gets into some personal stuff so I won’t post a complete copy here (sorry would-be stalkers!).  But here’s a small sample:

  • A healthy, sexy body that I’m proud of
  • A trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter
  • A wardrobe that would win the approval of Clinton, Stacey, and Tim Gunn
  • One easy, go-to recipe for a cocktail, an appetizer, salad, entrée, and dessert (so I’ll always have something special to contribute to the party/meal)
  • To be a regular in a fitness class — tap dance, yoga, spinning…
  • To shop at the “normal sized” stores
  • To spend the day at the beach/pool in a swimsuit, unashamed
  • More knowledge about different religions (take some classes?)
  • Spend a weekend in a cabin that’s in a designated dark zone (like Cherry Springs State Park)
  • To be interviewed for a story on NPR (nothing negative)
  • Run a mile without stopping (to my knowledge I’ve never actually done it)

It’s strange, but writing out my list made me feel a little surge of excitement.  I don’t know how I’m going to get everything on my list, but I know I can.

What do you want for yourself?

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A Cold, Hard Look In The Mirror

Posted on May 10, 2010 by fatbridesmaid| 11 Comments

When I decided to take a week off from blogging my goal was to focus on my routine and hit the gym hard.  That was the plan.

And then some projects at work went ka-BOOM! and all my lovely plans went out the window.  My eating habits?  Absolutely horrible.  Trips to the gym? Practically non-existent.  I went to the office, I worked, I came home, I slept.  And when I woke up I was still tired.  By the time I was finishing up on Friday my boss said she was thrilled with everything I had accomplished but I should go home and get some rest because I looked exhausted.

She wasn’t wrong.  The word haggard comes to mind.

I’m glad I kicked some ass at work this week but I. AM. TIRED.  And I’m so disappointed that I let my eating habits slip.  I had such high hopes.  How is it possible to feel such pride at what I accomplished at work and so ashamed that I fell completely off the wagon?

I’m so sick of spinning my wheels.  In the past year I’ve accomplished a lot but I’ve drifted far from my health and weight loss goals.  I’ve tried being super strict, and cutting myself some slack, and going cold turkey, and working toward balance.  And what do I have to show for it?  Not a significant weight loss, that’s for damn sure.

Then I see my friends working so hard and being so successful with their health goals.  They’re eating healthy, local foods and training for races and making solid efforts to hit their goals and that’s AWESOME.  I’m so proud of them.  And then that little voice in my head starts saying things like If you had stuck with it like they did… If you were committed like they are…

For the record, I would like to tell that little voice in my head to SHOVE IT.

I don’t know how I’m going to fix my busted mojo.  But I’m making a commitment here, in writing, that — good or bad — I’m going to start writing about it more here.  This blog is going back to basics.  Maybe revisiting the fundamentals will help me sort things out.

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IF-ing

Posted on April 9, 2010 by fatbridesmaid| 12 Comments

I saw this on Sizzle’s blog and had to steal it (sorry Siz! I know you’ll understand!).  Feel free to toss some of your own ifs in the comments — I’d love to read them — or better yet leave a link to your complete re-posted answers on your blog!

If I were a month I’d be November.

If I were a day I’d be Sunday.

If I were a time of day I’d be 7:30 p.m.

If I were a font I’d be Georgia.

If I were a sea animal I’d be a sea horse.

If I were a direction I’d be Northwest.

If I were a piece of furniture I’d be an overstuffed chair and matching ottoman.

If I were a liquid I’d be red wine.

If I were a gemstone I’d be Tanzanite.

If I were a tree I’d be a paper birch.

If I were a tool I’d be a pen.

If I were a flower I’d be a pink peony.

If I were an element of weather I’d be a white, fluffy cloud.

If I were a musical instrument I’d be a piano.

If I were a color I’d be cerulean.

If I were an emotion I’d be amusement.

If I were a fruit I’d be a strawberry.

If I were a sound I’d be laughter.

If I were an element I’d be Potassium.

If I were a car I’d be a Cooper mini.

If I were a food I’d be a cupcake.

If I were a place I’d be Barcelona, Spain.

If I were a material I’d be organic cotton.

If I were a taste I’d be savory.

If I were a scent I’d be fresh-baked bread.

If I were a body part I’d be the nape of a neck.

If I were a song I’d be sung by Karen Bergquist.

If I were a bird I’d be a sparrow.

If I were a gift I’d be handmade.

If I were a city I’d be Chicago.

If I were a door I’d be French.

If I were a pair of shoes I’d be leather pointy-toed flats.

If I were a poem I’d be Invictus by William Ernest Henley:

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

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Spending Fail

Posted on February 28, 2010 by fatbridesmaid| 12 Comments

I ended up paying a $5 cover charge at the bar last night.  One of my friends offered to pay but I felt guilty letting her shell out for me, like I was taking advantage of her kindness or something.  So I paid the cover and let her get me a drink instead.

At first I was going to justify the spending by saying it came out of my grocery money (which was under budget last week).  But I’m not going to make excuses.

The crazy thing is I felt horribly guilty about spending it, like I somehow let everyone down, including me.  Over five stinkin’ bucks.  Less than what I would normally spend on a Sunday morning in Starbucks. Even though I knew going into this that there would be times when I would end up spending I still I felt bad.

And therein lies one of my biggest shortcomings — thinking everything has to be all or nothing.  If not A, then B.  No middle ground.  Yes or no.  Black or white…. I kind of suck a moderation.  It’s a habit that I’ve tried to break time and time again and, clearly, I still need to work on it.  I had nine straight days of perfect no spending behavior under my belt before one tiny slip-up.  Nine wins and one loss.  That’s still a winning season.

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What I’m Giving Up For Lent: 2010 Edition

Posted on January 20, 2010 by fatbridesmaid| 22 Comments

Did you know Lent is less than a month away?  It starts on February 17th, which seems unbelievably early to me.  Last year I decided to go big for Lent and ended up exercising for 46 days in a row.  No small feat for a lazy girl like me.  I’m not especially religious but pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone in order to gain appreciation for what you have is an idea I can get behind.

I started thinking about what I should do just after Christmas; I wanted it to be something feasible but difficult.  (Bonus points if the idea of doing it immediately made me queasy.)  So I thought about it and thought about it some more and on the morning of New Year’s Eve it came to me.

This year for Lent I’m giving up spending.  No eating out.  No shopping.  Outside of regular budgeted expenses and bills (mortgage, utilities, student loans, etc.) I’m not going to spend a dime.  No trips to the mall to buy clothes “just because” or Sunday afternoon book-buying extravaganzas on Amazon.  It also means no going out whenever the hell I feel like it or buying whatever I want when I want.  For 46 days straight.

How do I feel about doing this?  It varies between extreme excitement and crippling fear, depending on when you ask. I’m excited to see how much money I save and what kind of creative (and free) ways I can find to keep myself entertained.  But I’m worried about how I’m going to make ends meet working within a strict grocery budget and dealing with the obstacles (birthdays, regular dinners out with friends, boredom, etc.) that lay ahead.

This will be really difficult for me, harder than working over every day because this is something that will impact me 24/7 for a month and a half.  But I’m hopping that by the time Easter rolls around I’ll have a greater appreciation for the luxuries I can afford in life, and greater respect for the hundreds of thousands of people who have to watch every single nickel and dime year-round.

I’m working out the last details of my plan (what I’m allowed to spend money on and some rules to live by) and will post those soon.  This isn’t going to be easy — far from it — but deep down I know it’s worth the effort.

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